i wish.

i wish that for just one day;that people would say what they want to say. not what they think someone wants to hear. not what you think would make someone feel better. say what you honestly feel and want to say. dont sugar coat it or lie. i think i am going to write down everything i feel in a journal and then post it on here. if you dont like it;oh well.

yeah;im not enough.

i fall for it everytime. everytime. you tell me you love me and im right back to you. were great for a few days, then we fight again. you tell me im stupid and to eff off and i tell you i hate you. then i say im sorry. then you say it doesnt matter anymore eff you. so i cry for about a week and i feel horrible. then you tell me you love me and call me baby and i fall for it again. i set myself up for this. i set myself up for heartbreak. and i get my heart broken everysingle time. the only person i can blame is myself. you tell me you want me and only me;but then you put some bullshit in your status like lovin krb. i know you love her. i dont understand how you can love her but want me. i know that you know that i would do anything for you. he loves her. she loves him. you love her. i love you. thats the way it works. thats probably the way it will always work. i dont know what makes her so great. why is she so much better than me? why cant someone want me for once? why am i so horrible? am i not good enough for you? do i not give you enough? do you not understand what i would do for you? ive given up everything i had for you. i gave up my friends;my family;my dogs;my school;my team;my commanding spot on the drill team;my battalion leadership position;my babysitting job;ive let my team down;my coaches down;my instructors down;my battalion down;ive done almost everything youve ever asked me or told me to do. i moved halfway across the fucking country to live with someone who hates everything about me just so i would be closer to you because you said that would change things. and its still not good enough. im never gonna be good enough for you am i? im never going to be pretty enough;funny enough;smart enough;im never going to be her. im sorry. im not her;im never going to be her;and i never want to be her. i know i have about a million problems but im trying so hard to impress you and make you want me. ive given up everything ive ever known for you;and you changed your mind. what am i to you? a boardgame? id believe it;cause youve played me like a cheap ass game of sorry™ . am i a toy? id believe it too;cause youve broken me like a little boy breaks his G.I.Joe ™ . am i someone you use to make her jealous? well one-she will never be jealous of me. she's better than me and always will be. two-i dont want to be your revenge. i want you to want me for me. and i guess that wont happen until you decide youre over her. cause you clearly arent. :'(

June 8,2009

so;;brandons viewing was today.
i can honestly say it was the hardest thing ive ever had to do.
he didnt even look like brandon.
i just didnt recognize him.
i miss him so much.
i dont know how im going to make it these next two years, let alone the rest of my life without him.
RIP Brandon Lee Ashley
Pulmonologist said I cant be in the ARMY.
that really upset me.
its all i ever wanted to do.
stupid astma.
two inhalers.
six refills.
i hate this.
but i do like this new guy.
<3

6/5/2009

Movies last night with Matt, Kacie, and Jordan. We tried to sneak into Hangover, but me and Kacie got stuck with Land of the Lost. It was LAME. Our movie was done in like 45 minutes, so we sat in the lobby for about 2 hours. There were so many people there with someone of the opposite sex. They were all on dates. I kinda wish it was me on a date and not with my sisters and our 'gay' friend. i dont know though.